jtnt://life/unedited

Bobby Fischer Detained; World Safer

The world was made safer today with the detention of Bobby Fischer in Japan. Fischer is wanted for playing chess in Yugoslavia 1992 in violation with sanctions imposed on the country.

It's about time this guy was brought to justice.

I will sleep easier knowing Fischer is off the streets and now unable to terrorize neighborhood park chess matches around the world. I finally feel safe fathering children.

Or should I say, Happy Birthday, Will Ferrell?

The funniest man in show business today turns 37 today. (Tip o' the hat to Morning Edition on NPR.)

Glen, the Starbucks Commercial Guy

Thought I'd be nice and help spread the meme of Glen, the band Survivor, and their Starbucks commercial. I think Roy is the true star, though.

Enjoy.

There's also, Stacey. Leave her alone.

Thank You, Will Ferrell

Grab yourself some Afternoon Delight. (Alternate link, just in case - or if you just like MTV better than Rollingstone.)

To do two things at once is to do neither.

Multi-tasking wastes time. That's right. You heard me. So, put down your cellphone, and take your hand out of that bag of chips, and take your third eye off the TV and pay attention!

"...Scientists at Carnegie Mellon put subjects in an M.R.I. machine and asked them to listen to complicated sentences at the same time that they mentally rotated geometric shapes. The two tasks activated different parts of the brain, but each region was operating at a suboptimal level. Here, then, was high-tech confirmation of the common-sense wisdom of Publilius Syrus, a Roman philosopher from the first century B.C., who warned, "To do [two] things at once is to do neither."

Update: Lomography

I'm not the only one.

Quote Gem:

"The world needs more non-conformists striving for the lowest possible quality!

Not."

Lomography?

I've just stumbled upon this thing called lomography.

I think it's a load of crap.

These people are talking about spontaneous street photography as though it's something new, and, apparently, dependent on a certain type of low-tech camera.

Apparently these people have never heard of Gary Winogrand or his famous quote:

"I photograph to see what the world looks like in photographs."

I spent an entire semester at SVA doing this sort of photography, and admittedly it turned into my favorite work in school. So, I understand these people's enthusiasm for the style and the freedom it makes you feel.

What I can't stand is the way they talk about this style/method/etc. in such cultish terms. How it's been turned into some kind of movement, made even worse by the fact that the name is tied to some product. The Lomo folks must be loving this.

So you don't look through the viewfinder when you take pictures. Great. So they're low-tech, ala millions of Holga (the refuge of every 2nd year photography student in art school) pictures before yours. Great. So these pictures are entirely personal. Great. Then why do you feel the need to yap on about them and put them up on the web so much?

A lot of these lomographs (it pains me to even think that word) are not as unplanned as they seem. They all look like pictures taken by that annoying kid in your (again) 2nd year photography class that is taking candids and off-center/kilter images to "break down the conventions of what is thought to be photography, journalism, and art."

Shut up. Now, get over yourself, and go take pictures that are really personal, not just stolen records of the most mundane parts of your life. (Really, I think all this is from a fear to raise the camera to their faces in public. To thrust the camera into view or admit to someone else - a stranger perhaps - that they are taking their picture. I'm sure you could psychoanalyze that more, but I won't.)

How come all this "personal" work has so much impersonal crap in it? A woman sitting next to a table with a lone coffee mug on it?

Oh wow. Genius. If you're not Nan Goldin, keep it to yourself. At least her pictures are of the interesting parts of her life.

Erickson Barnett Design Monkeys

Do you love sea monkeys?! Of course you do. Who doesn't? Those little, mysterious pets we all remember from the back of comic books are just too, well, mysterious and little not to love! Plus, they make reference to them in Dazed and Confused, so they're a bona-fide pop culture hit in a cultish kind of way. (It's hip to like sea monkeys, and you're not un-hip, are you?)

Well, the thing you never thought could happen has happened. Through the miracles of modern science and active use of one's imagination, Erickson Barnett, a marketing and creative agency, has developed a human-sized mutant version of the sea monkey called the Design Monkey.

We have seen these Design Monkeys roaming the halls and producing work for clients already, so they are alive and fast becoming productive members of our Erickson Barnett society. I can't wait to see what they'll do next!

Rapper or Failed High Tech Startup

Now it's time for everyone's favorite game, Rapper or Failed High Tech Startup! (Just hover your mouse over each one for the answer.)

• 2Mex
• Akon
• Anticon
• Blumentopf
• Borialis
• Ciara
• Company Flow
• Computer Jockeys
• El Sitio
• Electric Schoolhouse
• Equipp
• Framfabb
• FatDrive
• Hot Action Group
• Imaginon
• ISYSS
• Kablink
• Kritik
• Neoforma
• Nephlim Modulation Systems
• Pelham Power Productions
• Raekwon
• Rayvon
• Sarai
• Sierra
• Technotronic

Benevento/Russo Duo

Check out the Benevento/Russo Duo at your next opportunity. If you like Medeski, Martin, and Wood but tire of all their noodling and just want to groove/rock out, the Duo is for you. Plus, they do Zepplin covers, site Journey as an influence, and always provide heavy doses of cowbell. C'mon, what else do you want?

They play all over the place, and you can easily get a taste by downloading one of their shows from archive.org or sampling some quick mp3 downloads from their site. But you should go the extra mile and buy a CD from them. Support original music. These guys rock.

More Rap Artists Whose Names Are Adjectives, Nouns, or Both

These artists are a bit more underground (or just unknown and bad) than in the first installment, but the names are noticeably more pedestrian. Coincidence?

• Atmosphere
• Casual
• Nice
• Parliament
• Shells
• Smooth

Honorable Mention:

• Big Momma's House

This has potential to degrade into simply, "Funny Rapper Names," I fear.

Coffee and Beer

I used to drink coffee mainly on Sunday mornings while watching Spongebob and occasionally after a meal at a restaurant.

I used to drink beer mainly while partying and occasionally during a meal at a restaurant.

I now start everyday with a cup of coffee and have lately developed the habit of having a beer after work sometime.

Yeah. That's a good cycle.

Vacation Preparation Step #3: Put Off Packing Until The Night Before You Leave

It is an annual rite of passage and simply part of getting into the "vacation mode" of laziness and lack of responsibility to spend so much time on steps one and two and other things completely unrelated to vacation preparation that you find yourself completely unprepared for your journey the night before you are supposed to depart, outside of having plenty to read and listen to.

If you were forced to leave right now, you would be listening and reading naked and alone by the second day, due to a lack of a change of underwear, deodorant, toothpaste, shaving supplies, and other toiletries most would deem "essentials."

Congratulations, you have now completed the steps necessary to go on vacation. Easy as 1-2-3. Enjoy yourself. You've earned it!

Rap Artists Whose Names Are Adjectives, Nouns, or Both *

Adjectives:

• Biggie Smalls
• Common
• Fabolous
• Hi-Tek
• Juvenile
• Ludacris
• Mystikal
• Slim Shady

Nouns:

• Black Eyed Peas
• Grandmaster Flash
• Hieroglyphics
• Ice Cube
• Ma$e
• Puff Daddy
• Q-Tip

Both:

• Big Boi
• Big Pun
• Mad Skillz
• Ole Dirty Bastard
• Vanilla Ice

Special Award of Merit:

• Del The Funky Homosapien

* I have chosen to focus on run-of-the-mill words and only those rap artists the average white rap geek might be expected to know about. I'm sure there are others that fit nicely into these lists. I apologize for leaving someone off, especially if they happen to be your favorite rapper. Please, don't shoot me.

Vacation Preparation Step #2: Old-fashioned Readin' Books

The last few books I've read recently have covered a fair sample of contemporary literature:

A Short History of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson
A Walk In The Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail - Bill Bryson
Kitchen Confidential - Andthony Bourdain
Naked - David Sedaris
The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference - Malcom Gladwell

You need similar breadth for a trip to the beach. You need a good mix of quick-hit stuff you can read for ten minutes before falling asleep on the couch for a 10:30am nap, and you also need the ones that will get you through a 3-4 hour stretch on the sand. I'm thinking about trying these:

Everything is Illuminated - Jonathan Safran Foer
The Darwin Awards - Wendy Northcutt
Notes From The Underground - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
I'm A Stranger Here Myself: Notes on Returning to America After 20 Years Away - Bill Bryson
The Seven-Day Weekend: Changing the Way Work Works - Ricardo Semler
MBA In A Box: Practical Ideas from the Best Brains in Business - Joel Kurtzman et al

It's important to bring a maximum of three of these books with you. If you want to have a chance at finishing one of these in a week, you have to maintain some amount of focus. (Unless you're my oldest sister, who could easily read all of these before breakfast on third day. And in that case, you've probably read all of these already anyway.)

There's something about the laze of vacation that produces an enhanced feeling of accomplishment when one finishes a book after one has accomplished virtually nothing else that week.

It's also important to bring an old favorite that's been collecting dust on your book shelf. You always want one that you can fall back on in case the others turn out to be duds.

I am, I am, I am SpammerMan!

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Don't forget to "press" on his links if you want to contact him.

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Check out samples of our work.

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Vacation Preparation Step #1: Digital Music

• Purge your iPod of all the albums you haven't listened to in months.
• Scour your CD collection for discs you haven't listened to since you got your iPod.
• Waste a rainy morning listening to 30-second bits of about 200 songs you haven't heard in years. (Songs open in iTunes. Get it.)

I thought computers were going to save us time and that digital music held the promise that we could bring our collections with us anywhere. How come I waste so much time sitting in front of my computer playing with digital music. (And who would have ever thought that you could play with music?)

Happy Birthday, Daniela

Happy thirty-frphreth birthday to my beautiful bride.

Sorry for not calling first thing this morning.

Sma.

Farewell, Grandma

We buried my grandmother in Arlington National Cemetery today. Somewhat anti-climactic, to be honest.

It was filmed by a crew from National Geographic doing a piece on the cemetery. It will air the day before Veteran's Day on PBS. Check your local listings.

Farewell, Grandma. I love you.

Baseball sucks

ESPN.com really needs to include an "I don't give a damn" option on all their polls, especially baseball-related ones.

That house has a nice ass.

On a walk around my neighborhood this morning I noticed that I was checking out the houses like they were hot women. I was crossing the street to check out their backyards, craning my neck to see through the front door, and generally scoping out them out.

I turned thirty a few weeks ago, but that's not what makes me old. My behavior this morning makes me old. No, looking at houses doesn't make you old, you say. That's not what I'm talking about. I've been hawking houses for years.

I decided to take a solo stroll through my neighborhood for the exercise and joy of it. This is what makes me old. I saw no one except yard sale managers, church ladies, and small children.

When I do this before 8am, call me "elderly."

Breaking up is hard to do.

I am one of fourteen people between the ages of 22 and 38 not watching the last episode of Friends tonight. I've had enough heartfelt and touching good-byes in my real life, thank you.

Plus, I really hate the sappy FINAL EPISODE business sit-coms pull these days. They completely change what everyone loved about the show for the finale. That just doesn't make sense.

They are always way too sappy and way too preoccupied with trying to make things neat and tidy, but at the same time they are compelled to leave those poor saps who are addicted to the show with the feeling that the characters who they know better than their own parents and spend more time with than their real friends will carry on and grow old with them after the show is long gone.

It's like they feel like they are breaking up with a sensitive girlfriend (or millions of them, I guess) and have to be all soft and caring all of a sudden. I would be much happier if they'd just continue doing what they did well all the way up until the end, then just said, "See ya!" and were never heard from again.

I pity you all, the jilted and lonely ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends of Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Ross - the one that has been sappy from the start. Don't worry, though, you'll be able to relive your time together every weekday on Fox at 7 and 11p.m.

Death, love, life

In the last week the following has transpired in my life:

• My grandmother died.
• I got engaged.
• I turned 30.

Philosophies masquerading as solutions

A quote in a recent interview Eric Meyer (CSS guru in the truest sense of the word) is so prescient and taut it applies to virtually anything. I think it bears repeating:

Any time a person tells you that there is one and only one way to size fonts for all sites, they're trying to hand you a philosophy, not a solution.

This reminds me of a quote from the movie The Big Kahuna:

...As soon as you lay your hands on a conversation to steer it, it's not a conversation anymore; it's a pitch. And you're not a human being; you're a marketing rep.

Kerry/McCain 2004

Again, I find myself in the unusual mood to talk politics.

It's a total pipe dream, but I would love to see John Kerry pick John McCain to be his vice-presidential running mate.

I'm sure it would alienate some democrats, but not enough, I wouldn't think, to balance the number of republicans that would jump on board. And in an election year like this one, where the vote is largely to just "beat Bush", hardcore democrats that didn't like it would have no choice but to vote for this ticket anyway.

Dare to dream.

Spalding Gray's body found in East River

Not that I have tracked Spalding Gray on this blog or at all really, but after my original post, I feel an update is in order.

News outlets are reporting that Gray's body was found in the East River off Manhattan on Sunday. He was wearing only a pair of black corduroy pants when found. There was no wallet or cash in his pockets, as expected.

Gimme a decagallon of beer.

The whole centiliter thing has been on my mind since yesterday. It's just an impossible number to accurately guage in your mind. One hundredth of a liter? When the numbers get so big, like 330cl for instance, one has to do some hardcore figuring to come up with how much one is dealing with.

Can you imagine if we Americans used a gallon as our standard? A 12 ounce beer would be a decagallon (1/10th), I suppose.

What is even more baffling to me is the "stone" as a unit of weight measurement. This goes to the other end of the scale. My weight, 165 pounds, measured in stone is about 11.8. Really, how accurate can one be with this low a number?

At about 13 pounds per stone, English folk have to really do some work to show improvement when losing weight.

"How's the weight loss regimen going, Nigel."

"Not good, Charles. I've been at it for a fortnight and I'm stuck at 17 stone."

And what's more, the silliness continues with the fact that stone is both singular and plural. How frustrating.

So, I don't really get the metric system. I'm typically American for this.

The good news is that the internet gives me the power to turn these incomprehensible figures into amounts that make some reasonable sense.

Trappistes Rochefort 10

I'm not one to spend a whole lot of time talking about beer, or drinking it for that matter. That said, I do feel a bit bad for not telling the world about its best beer, Trappistes Rochefort 10. Named in the old style, the 10 denotes alcohol content, but in this case the actual beer differs in that it is 11.3% ABV.

You read that correctly, 11.3% ABV. For over seven dollars for a 330cl bottle, this let's you know you got your money's worth.

That's 330 centileters, which means just as little to me as the abbreviation. Apparently that is an actual unit of measurement, but it certainly means nothing to me. It's enough to know that the size of the beer is smaller than a regular American beer but bigger than a so-called pony beer. End game: one of these gets you tipsy, two gets you drunk.

It's a dark, rich beer, but it's not dinner either. It's surprisingly light and utterly drinkable. It is one of the best night caps I can think of having.

But good luck finding it. I am lucky that my local Fresh Fields (I don't care what the company's called now, I call the place Fresh Fields.) usually has a couple in stock. I have never seen more than 6 on the shelves anywhere. It is somewhat rare, but worth finding for sure.

Drink it.

God Hates Shrimp

Totally inflammatory, but this is too good to pass up.

From the creator's (not THE Creator, mind you) site:

"If you're gonna justify your arguments with Leviticus, you better be prepared to go the distance, Godboy."

Oh, man. That cracks me up.

I happen to agree with God on this one. I have for years called crab and the like nasty little bottom-feeders, and I don't eat them. Since I'm on God's side on this one, I'm hoping he can overlook all the other things we disagree on (agree to disagree) and we can be friends anyway.

I just hope he considers chickens "clean" birds. If not, I think we may have irreconcilable differences, and I fear our friendship may be forever (oh, and I mean forever!) in jeopardy.

Pancakes and Bubba the Love Sponge

Make whatever comical or detrimental comparisons between the US and Britain you want. We are brought together by the silliness of having "bubba the love sponge" and "pancakes" on our respective list of top Google searches for the first week of March 2004.

18 months to 2100 miles

I've decided that I want to hike the Appalachian Trail. Not necessarily all of it at once, but I want to spend at least 2 solid weeks hiking a section of it within the next 18 months. This will serve as documentation of this notion and possibly motivation.

Anybody else in?

If not, may I point you to "A Walk In the Woods" by Bill Bryson as inspiration?

Sets of Five and Nine

After breaking a bowl and again reducing a set of them to simply a triumverate, I've decided that bowls, plates, and anything that comes in sets and is breakable should come in sets of 5 (or 9) instead of sets of 4 (or 8). A little leeway is always comforting and convenient.

Ever seen a real, live eviction notice?

I'd never seen a real live eviction notice before last week. The only thing I can consciously remember is Eddie Murphy as Mr. Robinson getting issued one SNL.

So, when my girlfriend spotted one on my front door, I was pretty excited. Not only was I interested in seeing what the actual notice said, I had a pretty good hunch it was the cell-phone addicted insomniac that likes to have her booming-voiced friends over for chats in the middle of the night that lives in the apartment situated directly above my bedroom who would be listed on the notice.

So, if you are like me and have not seen a real eviction notice, enjoy this peak at local law enforcement in action.

Game update: Gephardt fouls out. Dean on the bench with four.

Lately I've been tracking the Democratic Presidential Delegate Scorecard (neato graph) at CNN.com like it's the box score of a basketball game.

I have found myself anxiously awaiting who will announce their resignation from the race like they're players fouling out of the game.

I'm not really rooting for anyone right now, so I have just a general interest in what's going on in the race to be my next president. (Yes, he's the country's president, but when it all comes down to it he's my president.)

This year marks the first time that I am truly interested (worried?) enough about a political subject to actively seek out information on it. I watch the news often enough, and religiously during major international events, but otherwise try to stay on the far fringes of political topics of conversation. Living in DC, one has to set their mind to not talking about politics at parties.

This year's race, though, is proving more important, and thus more interesting, to me. Possibly because I am racing head on to my 30th birthday in just over 2 months. Maybe because I listen to NPR every morning and night on my commute. Nah.

I am convinced more and more that a large portion of my interest stems from the fact that I am scared of my current president, George W. (The funniest thing about his site is it's title, "Non-partisan 2004 Presidential Election Campaign Resources." Cracks me up!)

For all the same reasons as everyone else. Most glaring in my mind is the fact that he is a complete half-wit, and that's spotting him some points. I would like to point out that the previous link is a White House-released transcript with the President of the United States of America quoted as uttering the phrase, "high-priced money." High-priced money?

I'm not here to make fun of or provide a list of the dopiest Dubya quotes. Bush II saying stupid things is not news. I am more baffled by the overall breadth of his stupidity, than any one imbecilic phrase that happens to come out of his face.

Dubya's penchant for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time is a time bomb waiting to go off. I don't think this is a small topic or immaterial to the argument against Bush when you think about the fact that one errant remark from the world's most powerful man can be, well, a powerful thing.

One of my least liked qualities in a person is being a "single issue voter," but I must admit that the most important thing to me in this year's presidential election is that George W. Bush loses.

So, even though I don't align myself with any particular party, even the so-called Independents, I can't help but be interested in what's going on around the left side of the political court this year. Now that football season is over, it's great to have another good game to watch.

Super Bowl Saturday

Great (GREAT) game! But, as I have maintained for years, it would have been even better if it was held on Saturday night.

Go Pats!

The difference between me and Isaac Newton

Bill Bryson, in his excellent and thoroughly readable book A Short History of Nearly Everything (audio excerpt), writes that Isaac Newton "upon swinging his feet out of bed in the morning would reportedly sometimes sit for hours, immobilized by the sudden rush of thoughts to his head."

Among other much more dramatic ways, I differ from Mr. Newton in that I will sometimes stay in bed in the morning indefinitely simply because I can't think of anything else to do.

Call the Better Business Bureau

At this late stage in the unsuccessful process of trying to get my new graphics card to work, I can hardly stand to relive the last couple days. Suffice it to say that this happened, and I'm not really pleased with Megamacs.com. No link given, because you're better off just staying away from them altogether.

Spalding Gray left the house with $120, wife reports.

I flicked the internet over on to that cnn.com site tonight and found a story about Spalding Gray being missing. This fact doesn't really strike me at all. except to remind me that Spalding Grey was doing some one-man, audience-participation show in Prospect Park back when I lived in Brooklyn, and that I wished I had seen it.

The strangest thing in the article to me was that it states:

"She [Gray's wife] said that Gray left with $120 in his pocket but was not carrying his wallet or credit cards."

I'm not married, so maybe I haven't been let in on all the secrets, but is it common for your wife to know how much money you have on you when you leave the house? I can understand her knowing that he didn't have his wallet and credit cards for she probably found those left at the house. But I can't ever recall anyone knowing how much cash I happened to have on hand since my mother sent me off to elementary school with lunch money. Then again, I had somewhat sticky fingers when I was young, so she probably didn't even know.

I now resign to always keep some odd amount of money on my person so no one, not even my wife (if I had one), ever really knows how much cheddar I'm holding.

Update: Contract from VH1

I got a contract faxed to me today from MTV Networks stating they had used five of my photographs in the show.

There are a couple things I don't like about the contract - which I don't think jive with the original agreement - but the problem is that I can't find the original agreement.

This is a piece of paper I know I've stumbled across six times since I received it. On that sixth time I probably thought to put it somewhere "where I'll be able to find it easily later."

Where is that damn thing?

VH1 Driven - Dave Matthews

Tonight VH1 airs an episode of their Driven series on Dave Matthews. Photographs taken during the early days of DMB taken by yours truly will be included in the broadcast. Watch those credits, as I still haven't been paid nor have I signed a contract with the folks at VH1. Hmmm.

By small coincidence, this is episode #41 of the Driven series.

Barney Cam. Unfortunately, it's not the one you think.

My tax dollars are paying for this? It's surprisingly well done, but I really hope not.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to Marty, Daniela, and whoever the other person is that actually visits this site on purpose.

I will also use this day to offer my opinion that parades are boring in person, but on TV parades are downright torturous.

Fellating US Presidents may be hazardous to your social health.

Via CNN.com: "Lewinsky says her past has hurt her love life"

Get out!!

"The one thing I don't do well with, with a guy, is ambivalence," she said. "I want to shake them and say, 'C'mon, just like me! Do what I say!"'

Maybe it's not just the fact that you blew the leader of the free world that makes dating hard for you after all.

World Toilet Day

Following the unprecedented success and unexplainable popularity of Talk Like A Pirate Day, I am giddy with excitement about World Toilet Day.

To quote the mighty Mos Def, "tell the feds, tell your girl, tell your mother, conference call your wack crew, and tell each other." It's World Toilet Day!

The Paris Hilton Sex Tape Phenomenon

I've got to come up with a name for the phenomenon of things completely unrelated to the web blogging world at large being spontaneously picked up by the world of A-List bloggers.

The latest example of this is the Paris Hilton Sex Tape craze. I present Exhbits A-C:

• Kottke
• Ben Hammersley's Dangerous Precedent
• Paul Katcher

As is discussed in Exhibit C, the motivation to post about such a hot topic can easily be explained by the desire to rise push up their GoogleRank (an interesting double entendre, if you ask me).

But this does not explain such highrollers as Kottke and Hammersley getting in the fray. Their blogs are usually very focused, finely tuned web musings. Moreover, they have little need to resort to such measures to increase their page views. Their web hosting bandwidth bills are already high enough each month, I'm sure.

This particluar topic aside (since it's so obvious), what makes a given topic blow up on such popular blogs? And on this particular topic (since it's so trashy), what makes a topic that would usually be hidden in the back of the sock drawer of most web sites suitable for posting on normally PG-13 blogs?

Attack of the Killer Electric Toothbrushes

While browsing the web looking for Christmas Wish List ideas, I came across the Sonicare Electric Toothbrush.

Check out how violent and grotesque the depiction of this instrument is! I hesitated to add it to my list, so intimidated was I. The damage this toothbrush could seemingly do to my gums is alarming.

At the same time, however, it sort of reminds me of a dog just out of a lake vigorously shaking water all over the place.

Maybe I'll put it on the list after all.

Happy Hilarious Halloween

Must-see Halloween Jackass-esque fun.

Medic!

I'd like to be able to say that my first injury requiring stitches was the result of a knife fight or protecting my girlfriend or something, but in reality the lone attacker was a blue drinking glass.

That little mundane drinking device did a number on my hand, though. One big inch-long cut on the outside pad of my right hand and one smaller cut on the outside knuckle of my pinky, requiring four stitches in each wound.

The sympathy I've gotten (I called my mom for that sole purpose) has been pretty good. Not sure if it's worth all the trouble, though. Brushing your teeth with your off-hand is harder than you think. And I won't even get into going to the bathroom.

Black William Kidd

The pirate craze continues unexplained. I found a site that "will scientifically determine your pirate name based on your responses to twenty questions." You should try it. Surprisingly, both the survey and the results are pretty funny. I shall hereforth be known as: Black William Kidd.

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Male. White. 25-34. Professional.

I have decided that I have nothing new to offer the world of online surveys. I stumbled into taking one tonight while eating dinner, just because I had nothing better to do. While going through it I realized how middle of the road I am.

Male. White. 25-34. Professional.

The only area in which I reckon I stand out is the number of hours a week I spend online - "over 20," in this survey. Great.

There wasn't a single question which I could answer in the extreme or that was in any way outside of their predetermined norms.

The low-light of the survey came when it presented me with a list of standard activities (bought a CD, seen a movie in a theater, gone to an amusement park, etc.) and asked if I had done any of them in the last month. I could only pick the bottom rung - "none." Ugh.

If only it had asked how many cigarettes I had smoked or milligrams of caffeine I had consumed or miles driven or something.

So, maybe it wasn't me after all. Maybe it was the survey that was boring. I can only hope.

The Govenator

As I predicted in the space, it appears that their will be record voter turnout in the election for California governor.

Thirty minutes after the polls closed, CNN and other outlets are predicting that Gray Davis has been kicked out of office, and Arnold "The Govenator" Shchwarzenegger is the new Governor of California.

Was it this scary when Reagan became California's Governor, I wonder? It is far too frightening for me to even make the leap that one day The Running Man could one day be President of the United States.

If Arnold ever does run for President, I hope he chooses Danny DeVito as his running mate. I'm telling you, after Twins those guys just can't lose!

FCC indecently declares Bono not indecent.

The FCC today ruled that Bono's utterance of the f-word did not run afoul of their indecency rules. In their ruling they stated:

"The word 'f---ing' may be crude and offensive, but, in the context presented here, did not describe sexual or excretory organs or activities."

"Excretory organs or activities?" That's so clinical and utterly descriptive it makes me glad that we have a term like "butt fucking" to tone it down a bit. You guys think you have it tough now. Just imagine how difficult it would be to try to talk a woman into "excretory organ sex."

If you ask me, "excretory organs or activities" is much more offensive than Bono's, "this is really, really fucking brilliant." And by a long shot! Hell, the Irish use "fucking" as a comma.

Maybe I'll file a complaint with the FCC charging that their ruling is indecent. I don't wouldn't want my kids hearing about "excretory organs or activities" - that is, if I had kids.

Gravedigger

Is it just me, or does the silhouetted man in the new Dave Matthews video for Gravedigger bear some resemblance to the recently departed Man in Black, Johnny Cash? I know the video was probably conceived and produced long before Cash's death, but it is a bit eerie nonetheless.

Shiver me timbers! Me day has arrived!

Lest ye forget, it's Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr!

Neither snow nor rain...

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

Hurricane Isabel stole all the flashlights!

Hurricane Isabel is currently on track to rape my beloved Outer Banks (although, a few of those monster houses that, as my brother-in-law says, "use every window in the Andersen catalog" could stand to go). Its inland track puts it right over Richmond, then DC/Maryland a short time later. For those that don't know, your's truly is based in Arlington, VA, just outside of DC.

I procrastinated this week-end and didn't go out and get one of those big, flourescent tube, stand-up type flashlights. I finally got around to it today, and this was way too late. The only flashlight of any size I found was a Monsters, Inc. jobby at Home Depot (after visiting Target, CVS, and a local hardware store). While it would be a funny item to have around in general, I felt that a flashlight with Mike from Monsters, Inc. head over the light wasn't the most practical thing to use to find my way around my dank basement should it be flooded and the electricity is out. It would surely keep my spirits up, though.

September 11

Pump up the bass!

NASA announced today that it has detected a sound wave — a pressure wave to be exact — emitted from a black hole deep in space. The figures associated with this finding are astounding.

First, the black hole is in the Perseus galaxy cluster, which is 250 million light years away.

The frequency of the wave is B flat, but 57 octaves lower than a normal B flat played at middle C on a piano. Or, a million billion times lower than the human ear can detect on its own.

NASA has also calculated how long the sound has been playing. You ready for this? 3 billion years! That's got John Cage's Organ²/ASLSP composition beat by a long shot.

Always save old pictures of world famous rock stars.

I've been contacted by VH1 to provide some photographs for an upcoming "Driven" episode on the Dave Matthews Band. I have to admit it would be kind of cool to see those old images on basic cable. We'll see if the price is right.

The Honorable Bud Sackowitz

An appeals court today tossed out 111 death sentences on the grounds that they were imposed by judges, not juries, as certain states' laws require. That's not what I came here to talk about.

The case that led to this court's ruling was somewhat of a legal fiasco. One bit of information about the original case was that the judge who issued the ruling was under the influence of marijuana when he did so.

I am not going to try to defend the judge in this matter. I think being under the influence of anything while presiding over any court case is deplorable, much less on a case involving the death penalty.

But this gets me to my main point. I wonder how many judges are under the influence of something while on the bench — namely alcohol? And how often is this either not known (obviously, something that we can never know) or conveniently overlooked?

If it had been discovered that the judge in this case had, instead of taking a hit off a joint, helped himself to a double shot of Dewar's while in his chambers, would it get brought up during this latest coverage? It's meaningless conjecture, I realize, but I would dare say it would not.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but it just brings up to me the hypocrisy of drug laws in this nation. Regardless of whether you personally enjoy the effects of marijuana or alcohol or not, I don't see how anyone who is OK with the sale and consumption of alcohol can at the same time argue that marijuana should rightfully be illegal.

For that matter, I think tobacco should be lumped into this discussion as well. In fact, I think a discussion of the legality of pot is put in better context with tobacco rather than alcohol. Alcohol — wheat, barley, etc. — needing altering and processing to be made, where as marijuna and tobacco need no such alteration.

I see why the government and society in general would not want to allow the unregulated sale and distribution of marijuana, just as trading in alcohol is highly regulated. What I cannot grasp is why a person cannot choose to grow marijuana for their own (and their friends, possibly) consumption, just as they can with beer or tobacco? What am I missing?

Any high schooler trying their first cigarette can tell you that tobacco is a mind-altering substance. For many, myself included, it made me sick to my stomach most every time I smoked it in the beginning. However, thirteen years later, I'm still smoking it. Now, that's a powerful drug!

I'm getting way off the original path here, (and no I wasn't high when I wrote this, my rambling is natural), but this is an issue that just doesn't fit into my logic structure. I can't figure it out. Therefore, my thoughts are somewhat disjointed. It just sends my brain into a whirl.

I'm hoping writing about it will bring up ideas that hadn't occurred to me before. (Add that to the list of reasons why I do this, I guess. See previous post.)

Excuuuse meeee!

Why can't people just say "excuse me?" They don't anymore. I don't know why. They try to squeeze by you, contorting themselves so as to not alert you to their presence. But you always know they're there. Just say excuse me!

And when people do say excuse me, it seems that more often than not it is in a tone that suggests that you are the one in their way. It's more of a, "Move, buddy" than anything else.

This relates to my observance that people don't blink their lights while on the highway to get a slower vehicle to move over out of the fast lane. They prefer to tailgate you or just whiz by you, passing on the right (another pet peeve), which just causes further traffic problems.

Simply blink your lights twice very quickly, so as to not just be blind-lighting the person in front, and wait a few seconds. If they don't move, repeat. If they still don't see you, your only choice is to pass them on the right at that point, but at least give them the chance to move on their own.

I could start a whole traffic-related pet peeves weblog, but I think about it enough when I'm on the road, I don't have the energy to rehash my frustrations once I get home.

Another simple act that would improve the general state of the world is if more people would hold doors open for others more often. And I'm not just talking about for elderly men or pregnant women. Hold a door open for a perfectly healthy, middle-aged man and see how you feel. It feels good. And it feels even better on the off chance that the recipient of your simple act of kindness actually says, "Thank you."

It all boils down to being more considerate. Everyday and in all situations. The world would be a better place if we all took our mother's advice to say, "Please," "Thank you," and "Excuse me" when warranted.

I'm not a politician, but I play one in California.

I never really liked politics. In fact, I usually ardently avoid political discussion and debate. Now, maybe it's just that I live so close to DC, but I can't seem to get enough of this California governor race. Or maybe it's just the fact that it's such a damn freak show. So, I'm happy to give you the latest news from Bizarro Land:

It has been reported that Rob Lowe will take on a "senior position" in Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign for California governor.

There is no room for parody here. There is nothing anyone can say that can make this whole thing funnier or more outrageous that it already is. So, that's that.

Al Franken, Fox News, & Daring Fireball

I don't know if it's just a coincidence, but on my latest visit to Daring Fireball, I happened to notice that the title of the page is, "Daring Fireball: Fair and Balanced." I've just never noticed what the title was before. Being that the author of this site is extremely intelligent and obviously up on current events, it has to be a nod to Al Franken's recent legal battle with Fox News. Either way, it's hilarious — and Daring Fireball is one of the best blogs going.

got what?

It occurred to me today that I really don't like all the "got milk?" spoofs/alterations. This hit me in the face today when I saw a bumper sticker that said, "got lacrosse?" What the hell does that mean?

It makes me want to make a site that catalogs all the different variations of the slogan, which in its original form is quite good, I think. I've got some down time at the office these days. Maybe I'll start that up.

So, here's the official call for entries. Please send me anything that has an alteration of the "got milk?" slogan on it. If you need my address, just email me at jtnt(AT)funky4u(DOT)com.

Whatchou talkin' bout Arnold?

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he will run for California governor.

The next person you think of after hearing that is undoubtedly Gary Coleman. I know. Same here. He played Arnold Drummond in Diff'rent Strokes. It makes sense. And just when you thought it couldn't get any scarier, Coleman is also entering the race.

Logically, Larry Flynt then comes to mind — him being a freak as well and all. And you guessed it, he's running, too. He's running on the ever-popular "Vote for a Smut-Peddler Who Cares" platform.

If they make this campaign into a movie, it will be the best work any of these guys has ever produced. Except for Flynt, of course. And if they don't hold a public debate, it will be a crime against humanity.

And to prove that California is truly bizarro, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-California announced she would not run.

I predict that this election will produce the highest voter turnout California has ever seen.

NYC -> NoVa -> CHI

A friend from college stopped in on his way from New York to Chicago last night. He was driving some friends of his parents car back home for them. Dan and I hadn't seen each other nor spoken in almost two years.

He arrived at Union Station at around 3:45pm, and from there we picked up the car in Columbia Heights. The car wasn't there, because inexpicably, the guy had driven it to his mother's house.

We got back to Clarendon around 6pm or so. Within 10 minutes we were sitting out back, sipping on beers, shootin' the shit — just like old times.

The feeling of reconnecting so easily was palpable enough that it actually came up in conversation. It's no substitute for actually keeping up better with each other over the last couple years, but it gives me a fantastic sense of continuity. It's good to know Dan will always be there. And it makes me realize that many others will be also.

Aaahhh.

Three French Hens

Got a call from my dad last night. He laid down some pretty serious shit.

The first thing, that he has some weird pain in his leg is relatively small, is hopefully nothing to worry about. It's a little more worrisome than a normal leg pain someone might have given that ten years ago he stuck a sickle into his lower-leg, between the two bones, nicking an artery. They didn't discover the nicked artery party until after he had spent a week in dire pain. This also happened to be the morning after I attended the prom with my girlfriend who was still in high school while I was not. But frankly, that's a different story - but there is a story there.

The second thing, that he and my mother were driving to Georgia tonight to back my aunt up while she told her deadbeat, abusive husband she wanted a divorce - and this time was actually serving papers - was a bit more shocking. Apparently, she had brought divorce up before but he had threatened her and their two sons in any number of ways.

I don't really have much to say about this, since I was never really close to my aunt or her family - aside from Thanksgivings and Christmas at my grandparents' house. I think about it more from my father's point of view - that this is all happening to his sister. Then I turn it on myself and know that I would be doing the exact same thing if Cay or Leigh needed me like this. It's strangely comforthing in that it reaffirms my connection to my sisters.

The third thing was that a lump was found in my grandmother's throat. She's had a cigarette in her hand for probably close to 60 years, so that's not entirely surprising. A week after the first lump was spotted, a second one showed up. They're waiting on test results to see if they are malignant, but regardless they will have to be surgically removed. If they aren't, they will continue to grow and suffocate her. That's not pretty. And major surgery, which I would assume this would be, is always dicey with someone who is over 80 years old.

All this makes me think about things I wouldn't have normally. I like that.

Pass It On

I get a certain amount of pleasure from sending people I know links that I think will interest them. It's like the technological version of reading a book and sending it to someone whom you'd think would like it. I don't find it any less personal or thoughtful than that either. Indeed, by virtue of the fact that I actually send these links sets it head and shoulders above sending someone a book. Sending someone a book would presume that I actually had time to read it myself.

Sh*thouse Open

I just got back from a three-day party/golf tournament put on by my good friend Martin Gravely down in Richmond. I am almost too tired to stay upright at my desk right now. After 2 rounds of golf (I shot a personal best 90 one day and won the "Long Drive" contest - with a, um, towering 212 yard shot - the other), 3 nights of drinking, and too many cigarettes to want to count, I'm running real low on gas.

This was the eighth annual SHO and my fourth. I - and at least a few others - look forward to this week-end like it's Christmas. It's become another 3-day holiday week-end between Memorial Day and Labor Day for many of us. There is only one other 3-day stretch that I look forward to as much as the SHO, and it's another golf tournament week-end we put on down on the Outer Banks each year. Anyone that thinks golf is boring should tag along for the SHO one year.

The SHO party was dominated by two things this year. Live music - a first for the SHO - and kids. The funniest moment that I can remember came when Scott "Birdie Machine" McKnight, Drew Roever, and I were sitting inside talking with the TV on drag racing or something we weren't watching. Some kids - none older than ten years old - were running around and came through the room. They stopped and asked what we were watching. McKnight turned to them and dryly stated, "Porn." I can't imagine what he would have said if one of them asked what that was. I kind of wish they had.

No porn, but here are some pictures of the good time had by all.

Holy lightning!

We are having the most intense lightning storm I have ever experienced in my life. Really close. Really long, sharp blasts. For the first time I am actually scared for my own safety and the safety of this very computer, so I'm shutting down and unplugging the thing. That won't help, of course, if a tree falls on it. Better it than me. Nighty night. Gulp.

A blog about nothing. (For no one.)

I've got to start writing down the ideas I come up with for topics to write about on this thing. Over the last three days I have thought of no fewer than five really suitable things to bring up here, but now all I have is this nothingness of a post to show for it. And this ain't the good Seinfeld sort of nothing.

Missing

My girlfriend, Daniela, has been in Italy for just over a week visiting her parents. I am not the type who misses people too often. I know that I will see them again soon, and since I'm an introvert I usually relish any extended, continuous periods of being on my own. But I really miss Daniela.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I was at one point going to be over there with her, but the flight was just too expensive. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have never been so far away, and the unknown of where she is scares me a bit. Or maybe it's that I must really admit that at heart I'm a softy, and I really do just miss being around her.

I have the number at her parents' place, but it seems that either I'm an idiot or I don't have an international calling plan, because none of my attempts to dial the number have been successful. She's called me a couple times and left me messages. I've started checking the weather in Bologna (the closest big city to Villa Verucchio that I know of) in an attempt to sort of share her experience. Current conditions: 81 degrees, 39% humidity, winds at 13mph. Sounds perfect, although she'd probably want it to be hotter.

All I know is that it's gonna be great when she gets back.

It's raining, it's pouring...

What else is new, huh? But in my opinion, there's really nothing more boring to talk about than the weather.

j who?

jdyno, silly. Like dynomite!

Sheesh!

There's all kinds of fucked up news today. Not least of which is that over 24 million people voted in the finale of Fox's latest American Idol reality show debacle. I wonder how that compares to how many people voted in the 2000 US Presidential Election? (Luckily, it's far less.) At least this time there was a clear mandate from the people. (Trying not to laugh.)

Gentle Annoyances

I was reminded while watching the Oscars last night that I dislike strangely cut tuxedos and suits. I'm no fashionista or anything, but those that are should know better.

This is one of a collection of insigificant and idiosyncratic things that bug me. Like people that choose to prounounce things strangely. Such as saying "processes" with a long "eeez" on the end. Or people that insist on calling Chile, "Cheelay." Get over yourselves! And, of course, there's always that "joolery" thing.

I'm not a big fan of parents who choose to express their creativity by naming their child something normal, but spelling that name in an awkward and/or extreme way. Even more bothersome are those parents that zoom right by this stage and choose to not only spell their child's name in a strange way but also pick a very strange name. At least with the former one can go through life with relative ease and minimal fuss, since how often does one spell their name. Those poor people with odd names are without a similar escape.

Luckily, these things only bother me when they are present in front of me.

A truck with flashing yellow lights

I want a job that lets me drive around in a truck with flashing yellow lights on top. Preferably, this truck would also have a large lockable storage bin just behind the extended cab where I would keep whatever implements of destruction were required on the job. Frankly, I'd just like a job where I could pull over to the side of the road, click on the lights, and take a 2 hour nap.

In a related story, VDOT has decided to save itself some money by taking delivery of plain-white trucks rather than painting them orange, as they have done since 1955. This is just further evidence of what I like to call the "vanilla-fication" of America. Everything is white! White, in fact, is the most popular car color in America (or at least it used to be). Everything is plain and boring. If it's not, it's completely over the top and ugly. Too bad we don't get to choose.

God & Spam

I get strange spam. Something tells me this isn't what God Himself is telling you to do. Spam is also a funny answer to the somewhat amusing and ubiquitous question, "What would Jesus do?"

Commuting is joy.

I hate leaving work at 7:30pm and hitting traffic on the way home. Much the same as I hate going into work a bit late to avoid traffic but getting stuck in it nonetheless. Part of the reason I work odd hours is to avoid traffic. I guess I should watch TrafficLand.com a bit closer.

Man-jewels

More than one piece of jewelry on a man is questionable. If that piece of jewelry dangles in any way, try not to stare. And people that pronounce jewelry like "joolery" should be avoided at all costs.